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‘Twas Two Days After Christmas..

It’s December 27th, two days after Christmas. The floors are littered with new toys, bodies exhausted from celebration and stimulation, now crashing from the sugar high. The buzz of the holidays dulling, sobering us back to our day to day normal.

I start to feel that pull to tidy up the mess, organize the presents strewn about, the clutter starting to drive me slightly nuts.

But then I pause to remind myself that it’s not clutter and mess (well, perhaps it is, but that’s not all). It’s evidence of Christmas morning magic. Happy little squeals from kids excitedly tearing into presents. It’s a reminder of my boys, proudly showing their cousins every new truck, dinosaur, and game, as the grown ups shared stories, laughs, and food in the kitchen.

I think about the limited number of Christmases we have with toys everywhere. Soon, much sooner than I’m ready for I am sure, the monster trucks, dinosaurs, and dolls, will cease, and clothing, shoes, and the latest electronic gadget will fill their place.

Plates of cookies, and glasses of milk, for Santa will stop, because in time they’ll understand it’s been Mom and Dad all along.

Christmas will still be beautiful, and full of magic with older kids-I am sure of that. But it will indeed be of a different kind.

So today, this year, on December 27th, I won’t let myself stress about the mess. I won’t hurry to create order from the leftover Christmas chaos. Today I will embrace all that comes with this holiday season, during the season of life. Because as crazy as it looks (and may seem to others), I am bound to miss this mess, and the memories created making it.

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Categories: Uncategorized

My Subchorionic Hemorrhage During Pregnancy

Before I begin with my story, I first want to say that my story has a positive outcome. I know that is not the case for many women whose stories begin like mine. What I went through was stressful and extremely scary for me, but doesn’t come close to what many people have gone through. I do not know the pain and heartache that come with experiencing a pregnancy loss. My heart goes out to any of you who have had to deal with that and I would never compare what happened to me to the tragic loss you have to bear. I’m going to be candid about my experience with a subchorionic hemorrhage, and that may be triggering to some. I fully respect your decision to close the tab without reading any further if that’s what’s best for you.

It was Monday, May 3rd, and being the fun loving party animal I am, I hit the hay around 9:30pm, and thanks to first trimester exhaustion, I fell asleep immediately. But not for long. Around 11pm I woke up feeling like I had wet the bed. I’ve been known on occasion to pee my pants from a sneeze, but unloading my bladder in my sleep was something I grew out of in elementary school.

I turned on the light to see what was going on. Nothing could have prepared me for what came next. Blood had completely soaked through my pajama pants, and onto the sheets (both were coincidentally white that night, so there was no question about what it was).

I flew out of bed, my entire body shaking, my head pulsating, and a buzzing in my ears that sounded like power lines after the rain. I went into the bathroom and sat on the toilet. More blood came gushing from me as I just sat there horrified, with both hands on the walls surrounding the toilet trying to balance myself.

A million thoughts ran through my head. This isn’t supposed to happen. Please God, not me, not this baby. Worst case scenarios playing on a loop as I thought about the statistic that every woman knows so well, and never wants to become a part of. I was still in my first trimester, 10 weeks and some days, give or take. I know that tragically and unexpectedly many pregnancies do not make it through the first trimester. Judging by what was happening with my body at that moment I assumed what I think most people would, I thought I was miscarrying our baby.

I turned on every light, stood near the foot of the bed, and just started yelling for Brett to wake up. Once he finally did I told him “I think I’m losing the baby”. It took him a minute to gather himself and realize what was going on. Once he did he was sort of in the same mind frame I was. Stunned, and unsure of what to do or say. He tried to calm me and comfort me. Telling me everything would be ok, neither of us knowing whether or not it would be.

I got my phone and started the google searches.

“First trimester heavy bleeding”

“How to tell if you’re having a miscarriage”

“What to do if you think you are miscarrying at home”

Based on the information I read, I decided to wait until the morning to contact my midwife and go from there. Given that I was only 10 weeks along, if I were miscarrying, there wouldn’t be much of anything that could be done to save the pregnancy. I wasn’t in a life threatening situation and going to the emergency room at that hour by myself didn’t seem like the best choice.

After a lot of tears shed, and a rather restless sleep, morning finally rolled around. The first thing I did was grab my phone and dial my midwife. It was about 7am so my call went to voicemail but she called back within 30 mins.

She calmly explained to me that there were a few different things that could be causing the bleeding, none of which I had heard of before or understood in the moment. And then of course, that I could be experiencing a miscarriage. She told me she’d call in an emergency ultrasound and get back to me with available times. Three pm was the earliest time slot, which I took of course having no other choice.

The hours passed painfully slow, but all in a blur as I waited, watching the clock. Around 2:30 I left for the hospital by myself. My husband stayed behind with our 2 kids. Due to the pandemic, ultrasound appointments were for patients only, so as much as I needed the support, I had to brave this one alone.

Once I was in the ultrasound room, the technician started the usual protocol. Standard questioning, jelly on the abdomen, and began moving the wand around on my lower belly. Within seconds he said, “and there’s your baby’s heartbeat”.

I can try to express how I felt in that moment, but I don’t think I’ll ever do it justice with words. So much relief, grateful, so unbelievably grateful, and a little confused. I still don’t have an answer as to what’s going on inside my body.

After about 10 minutes of examination and Imaging, the tech left the room to consult with a radiologist. After another 10 minutes, he came back in with my midwife on the phone. She told me first off that my baby looked good, healthy, and strong. She then explained that they found a subchorionic hemorrhage, which is relatively normal, and rarely causes any problems. She briefly explained what that meant, said she’d email a summary of my results, and told me that I could essentially carry on about my life.

I trust her, I trust the doctors involved in my scan, but I needed more information, a lot more. Because to me this just didn’t feel like a normal occurrence. Let the google deep dive begin!

So what is a Subchorionic hemorrhage?

A subchorionic bleed (sometimes called a subchorionic hematoma) is a collection of blood between the uterine lining and the chorion (the outer fetal membrane). It forms sort of a pocket of blood, or as my midwife explained to me in terms I could visualize, it’s like a blood blister. It can occur when the placenta partially detaches from the original implantation site. The actual cause of these bleeds is unknown. But fortunately, the strong majority of them resolve themselves and cause no problems with the pregnancy.

Over the next several weeks I continued bleeding and spotting. My midwife assured me that if it didn’t get heavy again and wasn’t accompanied by cramping, there was nothing to be worried about. Easier said than done of course. I never got used to the spotting, it always made me uneasy. No matter how many times you’re told, no matter how many different professionals assure you, bleeding in pregnancy just feels plain wrong and abnormal. But I did my best to remain positive about the situation I was in.

A few weeks later I had a follow up ultrasound to check the size of the bleed. I was disappointed to learn that there was no significant change. But again, I was reassured that my baby looked great and was progressing right on schedule, so not to worry. By this point the spotting had completely subsided so that did put my mind a bit more at ease.

The next several weeks went on and we’re (thankfully) rather uneventful. The spotting completely went away, I began to feel those sweet baby tumbles, and I continued about life as usual.

At just over 19 weeks I had my anatomy ultrasound. Again, baby was great. Everything looked just as it should and the scan went about as good as one can hope for. 10 perfect fingers, 10 perfect toes, and all the good stuff in between. But my SCH was still hanging out and showed no sign of being any smaller.

I was told over and over again that most cases like mine would resolve themselves at 20 weeks. The subchorionic hemorrhage would essentially reabsorb itself, sort of like a bruise. So finding out just shy of 20 weeks that nothing had changed was extremely disappointing. This time however my ultrasound tech was able to show me exactly where the bleed was located and it really gave me perspective. Thankfully it was nowhere near my placenta, so there wasn’t a chance of abrasion and on the screen it looked rather small and insignificant compared to my baby. The visual really helped my mindset and help me keep a level head about the whole thing.

So here we are, 24 weeks in, with a beautiful healthy growing baby girl-and also a subchorionic hemorrhage. I’m choosing to focus on the healthy baby, which seems to be serving me well. A few months ago I had never heard of this type of thing, needless to say, it’s not something I ever expected nor wanted. But I’m fortunate in so many ways. I have complete faith that baby and I will be just fine.

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Categories: Uncategorized

The Day We Found Out About Baby #3 (And How I Told My Husband)

Friday March 19, 2021 started out like any normal day in the Lawrie household. Six am wake up for mom, to enjoy a coffee and some quiet before the chaos of the day begins. Followed by the rest of the family getting up around 7, breakfast, cartoons, laundry, you know, the usual “stuff”.

By mid morning I started to notice I wasn’t feeling so great. A little queasy, a little fatigued, and overall just blahhh. I was sitting on the floor playing with my kids when suddenly a little queasy took a turn for full blown “wow i feel awful, and i think I may get sick!”. In that moment I noticed something else, something a little unpleasant and maybe even embarrassing for some, the way I smelled. More specifically, my armpits. Despite being showered and wearing deodorant, I could smell my own body odor, and it wasn’t pleasant. Immediately I knew something was changing hormonally.

I had one spare pregnancy test kicking around, so I went upstairs without saying a word and I took it. Rather than set it down and wait the recommended 3 minutes, I just stared at it. As usual, the pink “tester line” showed up first. For anyone who has never taken a home pregnancy test, 1 line shows up almost immediately. This is the test line, it ensures the test is working and also gives you a sort of comparison line to compare against the potential second line. Anyway, staring down at the test, one line comes up, I wait, I stare, my stomach does aerial gymnastics. Then I see it, the second line. As a few more seconds pass the line gets a little darker. I’M PREGNANT! But I don’t say a word.

With my first pregnancy, Brett and I found out together at the same time. So there was no “reveal” so to speak. Just happiness, and looking back I’m glad that we both got to experience that together. With our second we were a little more surprised. I took a test because of a late period and the moment it was positive I started screaming for Brett to come into the bathroom, where I shoved my freshly peed on stick towards him.

This time I wanted to do something different. But nothing cutesy or elaborate because A. It’s our third baby, I’m not telling my husband he’s about to be a dad, he already is one. B. We’re not cutesy or elaborate people. and C. I’m tired. I need something I can throw together with minimal effort.

Once I solidified my idea I head to the grocery store. I pick up 2 more pregnancy tests because I really wanted to be sure before I put this minimal effort plan into action. And I also picked up a card from the sympathy section. Now some of you may find this in poor taste. Using a sympathy card to tell your husband you’re pregnant? And to those people I’d like to extend my sincerest apologies…..for your stale sense of humor.

The front of the card said “You can do it”. The inside read “Keep smiling. Keep looking up. Keep moving forward. Someone as incredible as you has everything you need to get through this.” It was perfect. So I taped the positive pregnancy test to the inside and presented it to Brett along with a case of beer (figured he was gonna need them!).

I didn’t think I’d be nervous. However, once he opened the card I instantly started sweating and got dizzy. Sometimes my offbeat sense of humor doesn’t quite land the way I expected. The beads of sweat only intensified as I watched him read the card, flip it over, inspect it, and stare blankly at me.

“Did you get this at a joke store or something?”

Ok so the joke kind of landed, but the problem was that’s all he thought it was- a joke. After a minute of me reassuring Brett that I in fact peed on the stick myself, and it wasn’t the product of some “joke store”, it started to hit him. Then all the gushy, made for tv movie moments came. Hugs, kisses, tears… holy shit we’re gonna have 3 small kids, and more hugs. We were happy.

The rest of the day was rather uneventful and slow. Mostly just us trying to soak in and process our feelings. Me resentfully watching my husband drink a beer, realizing I’d spend another summer soberly sipping virgins. WORTH IT of course, but hey, a girl is allowed to be a little salty about having to turn down a spicy marg for the next 9 months!

But mostly, we were just happy, and grateful to be given this chance again. That my body gets to hold and nurture this sweet baby. That in 9 months I will meet yet another love of my life. This may be my third pregnancy but the sweetness of that first day never dulls. In fact it only grows.

Thank you for taking the time to read about how this journey began for us. I hope you’ll continue to follow along over the next several months, there’s plenty more to come!

Dana xo

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Categories: Tips, Uncategorized

How To Survive Life with 2 Kids Under 2

So you found out you’ll be adding another baby to the family, Congratulations!

By now I’m sure you’ve already done the math, and have figured out exactly how close in age your little ones will be. Two under two, how in the world are you going to be able to handle it? If you’re anything like me, you feel like you are barely handling the one you already have.

You may be a hormonal ball of excitement about all of this. Running around with happy tears streaming down your face, wondering who to share the news with first, already brainstorming names. And if that’s you-yes mama, celebrate!!

..But maybe you’re like me and you’re worried.

And perhaps those tears aren’t from happiness, but instead fear, doubt, and uncertainty. And that’s ok too. I promise it holds no merit over how much you will love that baby.

I don’t want to make light of this, it’s going to be tough. It’s going to wear on you and you’re going to be tired. I don’t want to downplay your feelings of fear, because they are completely valid. When I found out I was going to be having my second baby and my first son was only eight months old, I was scared. No, scared isn’t the right word, I was terrified.

But I assure you, having two kids so close in age is not as tough as you may think! I hope once you reach the end of this post you are feeling much more confident about this, and you can see that life with 2 under 2 is surprisingly manageable!

A quick recap of the day we found out…

I had purchased a pregnancy test because the day before I hadn’t been feeling well-tired, nauseous, couldn’t sleep. And my period should have already arrived. But with that said, I still didn’t actually believe I was pregnant, or maybe I was blissfully ignorant. Either way, I didn’t tell my husband before I took the test because in my mind, I was only taking it to rule out pregnancy, not confirm it.

Wrong, oh so wrong.

Two pink lines popped up before I even had a chance to run out of the bathroom and pretend nothing was afoot.

Oh no, oh no, sh*t! How?! Ok, I know how, but we weren’t planning for this!

I yelled for my husband and he came running in, confused by my urgency.

Then I showed him the test. And he laughed, and he laughed, and he laughed some more. And in that moment all I could do was envision him bursting into flames. WHY IS THIS FUNNY?

It wasn’t funny then, but it is now. And it will be many years from now when I tell my little surprise baby all about the day I found out about him. So if you didn’t jump up and down and cry happy tears immediately, don’t worry, it’ll make for a good story one day.

Ok ok, enough with that. Lets dive in. How are we going to make life more manageable for you with two little maniacs, I mean bundles of joy, under two.

#1 Lower Your Expectations

Seriously, this is number 1? Yes, it is, and for good reason. Your life for the first couple of months is going to be tough, or at least very busy. Motherhood will consume most of your time, if not all of it.

If you were expecting to paint your kitchen cabinets or learn Portuguese while on maternity leave, you’ll likely end up disappointed. If you have big personal goals, let them sit on ice for now. Somedays getting your teeth brushed before 11pm is your biggest personal accomplishment of the day. And that’s fine.

Your job is to be a mom, and to heal your body. And to take your time doing so.

#2 Schedule Help From Family and Friends

This may seem a little odd to refer to family visitations as “scheduled help”. But people are going to ask to visit, so why not utilize them at a time that works best for you, and ask them to lend a hand while they’re there? Trust me, they’re happy to help. And if they’re not, they probably shouldn’t be welcome to visit in the first place.

Visitors, for at least the first month, should be helping as well as gushing over your sweet little squish. Even if that just means bringing a coffee or a frozen casserole when they come-both of which are beyond appreciated by a new mom.

While I’m not so fortunate to have my family members live nearby because I moved 2,000 miles away from them to the opposite coast, on the other side of the border, for a boy (sorry Mom). I am fortunate enough to have my in-laws live a little over 2 hours away.

So weeks before I had my second son, we made sure to sort of reserve them, if you will, to take care of our toddler once I went into labour. They volunteered to stay for a few days until we got settled in to which I said “ABSOLUTELY”.

I came home from the hospital to a full fridge, a clean house, all of my laundry done, and a meatloaf in the oven. The funny thing about moms is if you leave them in your house unsupervised, they’ll usually do your chores.

Of course my own mom wanted to visit as well. So I asked her to come about a month after I had Jax. I wanted to put together a little birthday celebration for my husband so I needed extra help with the kids. She was happy to come and happy to help.

It’s not inappropriate to ask your loved ones to come when it best suits your needs, so toss that idea out!

And wouldn’t you know it, left unsupervised my mom also did all the laundry in the house! Moms, 10/10 would recommend!

Now if you don’t have family or friends nearby, or don’t have extra hands available, don’t worry, these other tips will lighten the load, promise!

#3 Make Meals Beforehand and Freeze

Get real, I barely have time to put together dinner every night let alone make EXTRA meals for dinners down the road. That was me. But trust me on this one.

My biggest trick to doing this and not actually taking up a ton of extra time is by making a huge portion of whatever is for dinner each night and storing it. So for instance, when I made lasagna for my family, I made enough to feed half of Sicily but portioned out 2 extras for freezing.

Don’t have the freezer space?

Ok, my best kept secret for low freezer space is…soup! Who doesn’t love soup? And there are a million varieties to make. Let it cool and freeze flat in zip lock bags, then you can stack them. You can store a ton this way and they’re so quick and easy to thaw and serve!

#4 Diaper Change Stations

If you’re in the same boat as I found myself in, you are going to have 2 in diapers, and probably for quite some time. That’s a lot of poo.

Taking your kids to their room, to a change table is going to get old fast-especially if you’re doing it with two kids. And no one wants to leave a toddler alone while ducking away to change the baby’s diaper. My toddler could probably paint the entire house and flood the kitchen in the time it takes to change one dirty diaper.

My house is 2 stories, and I was not climbing one single step that wasn’t necessary until my perineum could stay fused without the aid of sutures. So I built a temporary daytime change station in the laundry room (just off the kitchen and living room). I stocked the cupboards with both kids diapers, wipes, diaper cream etc and organized it with storage bins.

Trust me, if one area of your life stays organized, let it be the diaper change stations. The last thing you need is a sh*t show while you’re dealing with an actual sh*t show.

I also kept a fully stocked change station in my room where the baby slept, and another in my toddlers room so I was always in close proximity to a diaper station!

#5 Grocery Delivery

If your grocery store offers this, use it!! It may cost a little extra, and you may not get to squeeze your own produce or hand select which bag of spinach will be thrown in your trash next week. But it’ll save you a whole pile of time and pieces of your sanity that would have been left in aisle 3 with the yogurt your toddler busted open on the floor.

Unless of course your spouse offers to stay home with the kids while you go. In that case RUN woman, grab your bag and burn rubber. Roam free with a coffee in hand and do an extra loop around the block on the way home, because it may be weeks, months even, before you’re free again.

If you do go with delivery, most of the time you can select a time frame for free delivery. It will be a longer window, say between 12-4pm. But if you’re going to be home, and its not urgent, you can’t beat it!

Plus a lot of places you shop will actually offer coupons online that you wouldn’t have known about in store, so you’re actually saving money!

Ok, I swear I don’t work for your local grocery store, I just can’t preach enough about how much this will save your soul.

#6 Baby Wearing

This saved my life. Seriously. And it is the key to getting anything done. Newborn babies are naturally inclined to be close to their mom. They’re serious stage five clingers! So wearing your baby on your chest is a way to constantly keep them close while still having use of your hands.

But wait. My baby hates when I put her in a carrier!

There is no one size fits all when it comes to baby wearing. You may have to do a little trial an error to figure out which carrier and style works best for you and your baby. And it may take some getting used to for the both of you. But it’s worth the little bit of effort.

I found that my babies fussed for the first minute in a carrier. But after a little bouncing and gentle bum patting, they settled in nicely (and often fell asleep! Bonus!)

#7 Give Yourself LOTS of Grace

This may not sound like much of a tip or “trick” but believe me when I tell you it is essential.

The days will be long, some seemingly never ending. The nights may be even longer. You may feel like you are failing more than you are succeeding, and you will have days when you’re barely keeping your head above water.

But keep on kicking mama, it won’t last forever. Please know that your best is always enough! Forgive yourself quickly when you fall down.

There will be so many good moments along this journey as well. Moments that will downright make you sob because your heart is overflowing with a love that consumes your entire being. A contentment that you didn’t know existed.

That moment when your first born kisses your new baby on the forehead, points, and says his name. When he brings his new sibling his favorite toy to share-those moments will make your mama heart swell. Over time they will form a bond that not even you can understand. These things are pure magic. Cling to these moments. Let them live at the forefront of your mind, replay them more than you replay the tough stuff from the day.

Breathe, and be kind to yourself mama. You’ve got this!

Do you have any helpful tips for managing life with two kids under two? Let me know in the comments!

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