Becoming a mother is one of the most beautiful transitions a woman can experience. It’s a time of new beginnings, baby snuggles, and overwhelming love. It’s also one of the most trying times one can experience and will test even the strongest of women. (Which is all women by the way.)

Between rapidly shifting hormones, a crying newborn, and a lack of sleep (just to name a few ), new moms have a lot on their plate. Unsolicited advice and judgment is the last thing any new parent should have to worry about. 

Unfortunately, that’s not the case. When I became a mom I quickly realized that I had signed myself up for a lifetime of inappropriate questions, unwanted advice, and judgment disguised as advice. 

Here are some of the top things you should never say to a new mother. A lot of which I have heard first hand. Let’s dive in shall we

#1 You look tired. Are you getting any sleep?

Yes, she is tired. Exhausted actually. There’s a solid chance that the only thing keeping her from falling apart completely is ignoring the fact that she was up  all night long. Now you’ve just informed her that not only is she feeling the exhaustion, she’s also wearing it on her face for the world to see. 

A new mom doesn’t need to be reminded that she looks tired. She is well aware, and you only know the half of it. 

#2 Have You Lost the Baby Weight?

Who can ask this question, and when? No one, and never. It seems a little ridiculous to even say this, but you’d be surprised how often people think a new mom’s weight is an appropriate topic. 

#3 Just remember, lots of people wish they could be in your place! 

This is typically a response to a mother who has expressed that she’s struggling. If a person, mother or not, opens up to you about their struggle, do not respond by telling them how fortunate they are. 

Every mother on the planet is aware that she has been blessed with something others are longing for. Reminding her of that when she’s down is only going to perpetuate the guilt she already feels. 

#4 I know it’s exhausting, but you’ll miss this when it’s gone!

Ahhh the perpetual future when you’ll look back and all of this was secretly the blissful period. 

I’ll miss my teeny tiny sweet, soft, cooing babies. But I will never, miss waking up every 90 minutes to be milked. 

#5 Don’t hold them too much. You’ll spoil them!

First off, you cannot spoil a newborn. They were living in the comfort of your womb for their entire life. Now they are in a cold, strange, and likely from their perspective, terrifying, environment. They want to be as close to mom as possible. And if mom wants to hold that baby morning noon and night, she will.

For the first 6 weeks, my firstborn did not sleep unless he was held. I held him or wore him in a carrier for nearly every nap. At night we co-slept (save the judgment, it doesn’t belong here). 

Looking back, I wish I had never digested a single word from anyone else when it came to newborn sleep. Everything I saw told me that babies needed to sleep on their own, on their back, anything else was simply wrong. It caused me tremendous guilt and made me feel that I was doing some sort of disservice to my baby by “giving in” and holding him.

The only person I was doing a disservice to was myself. He’s 2 now and although he gives seriously great cuddles, he hasn’t slept in my arms in over a year. I wish I had allowed myself to just sit in those moments with him guilt-free. There isn’t anything on earth like a sleeping baby. 

#6 Do you think you’ll have more kids? 

I don’t know if this happens to parents who have a “one of each” a boy and a girl. As a mom of 2 boys, I started getting this question in my third trimester, and it just became more frequent once people could see that I had 2 boys. 

“Do you think you’ll have another?”

Really asking “Do you think you’ll shoot your shot at getting a girl?”. As if my second son was some kind of dud- so we should probably have another for insurance purposes or something. 

Don’t ask a new mom to start thinking about having more children. She’s trying to get a grip on the one she has. 

#7 You don’t look like you just had a baby! 

Alright, I know it may seem like I’m getting a little picky here, but hear me out. 

Telling someone who just had a baby that they don’t look like they just had a baby is clearly intended as a compliment. It’s coming from a good place. 

There are 2 main reasons why you should refrain from saying this to a new mom. First, you are seeing the clothed, potentially “put together” version of her. To you, it may not look like she just had a baby. But to her, it does. Everything has changed and that’s going to take some getting used to for a new mom. 

The second reason is something that would never have crossed my mind until I was living it.

After my first baby, the weight fell off fast, a lot of people thought that’s worthy of a compliment. What no one knew was that stress was the main contributor to that weight loss. Not exercise, not clean eating, but the constant weight of anxiety and stress. This contributed to my milk supply dropping and switching to formula. When people told me I didn’t look like I just had a baby it reminded me that my body wasn’t functioning the way I wanted it to. 

#8 You can’t have a drink if you’re breastfeeding. 

There are wildly mixed opinions on this topic. Some people will tell you no amount of alcohol is appropriate if you are breastfeeding. While others will say moderate consumption is quite alright. 

I am not a doctor, nor an expert on this topic. However, I have read my share of information from experts and choose to do what works for me. I urge everyone else to do their own research and do what works for them. 

#9 Back In My Day We…

I don’t care. Back in your day, you rode home from the hospital with the baby on your lap in the front seat. 

I have heard some of THE strangest tales that have started out with the phrase “back in my day”.

#10 How is the baby doing? Can we come see him/her?

Ok so this is not something you should never say to a new mom, but you shouldn’t end it there. Everyone asks how the baby is doing. Unless there are unique circumstances, typical the baby is just fine. Someone is feeding them, changing their diaper, clothing them, and covering them with love and attention. Make sure you ask her how She is doing. Too often we forget that someone needs to care for her as well. She too has just been born into a mother. 

#11 Are you breastfeeding? 

Don’t ask someone how they are feeding their baby. The only exception here is if you are her baby’s pediatrician.

Unless a mother freely offers up this information or initiates the conversation, don’t ask.

Breastfeeding can be an amazing experience for both mother and child. It can also be painful, difficult, and downright defeating. A mother should never feel the need to justify how she nourishes her baby. Many people, myself included, have plans to feed their baby one way, but things don’t work out. Asking this question can trigger unnecessary feelings of shame, or disappointment. 

Also, it’s really just none of your business. 

#12 Is the baby sleeping through the night?

Some babies allegedly sleep through the night on their own at 8 weeks old. I’ve never had one of these unicorn babies, so I cannot confirm nor deny this. What I can tell you is if a mom was up 5 times the previous night, and you ask her if her baby is sleeping through the night yet, you could lose an eye or an extremity. You may deserve it too, that’s not for me to decide. 

The only reason you should ask this question is if you are intending to tag in for a night feeding and let mama sleep. Otherwise, just don’t.

Things that ARE ok to say to a new mom. In fact I encourage you to say them. 

How are you? Really? 

I’m not talking about a “Hey! How are you?” Text. I mean really ask. How are you? Are you feeling supported? How are you adjusting to this new normal?

A lot of women struggle after having a baby. In fact all the women I know struggle with motherhood to some degree on a daily basis. This is a question I hope becomes a new normal. Not just during the immediate postpartum period either. 

In case anyone hasn’t asked you lately, how are you mama, really?

Do you want advice or an ear?

I read something along the lines of this before and I think it’s appropriate for so many areas of life.  

Sometimes we want to vent, and that’s it! And when we start to vent but the other person keeps trying to offer a solution we get extremely frustrated. On the other hand, the person we’re venting to is probably thinking “ Hot damn, I keep trying to help this woman out and she keeps throwing problems back in my face, what gives?”

Imagine the confusion we would avoid if we set the tone upfront?

How can I help?

Moms have been sold this lie that they should be able to do it all. No one can do it all, and it left to carry the entire load, she will crash. 

Ask her how you can help, the question alone will make her feel a little lighter. 

Would you like something to eat, more coffee?

I strongly encourage you to ask all new mothers this. The answer to both is usually yes. 

Do you have a crazy story about something you heard as a new mom? Leave a comment below and tell me about it! 

Be sure to share this post with the new moms in your life!