I’m 38 weeks pregnant. To say that it’s “hitting me” would be an understatement. We’re officially at the point now where I can confidently say, this baby will be here any day now. I know, it may still be 2 weeks or more away. But it also, quite literally, could be tomorrow as well. As I sit here and type this, I feel the subtle but constant tension of Braxton hicks contractions. They’ve been coming and going for a couple of weeks but I have really made themselves known to me as of lately. Which of course is to be expected at this stage of the game, but each time it happens a little part of me wonders if it’s the real deal.
I think that’s the hardest part for me at the end of labor. The lack of control that you have over when the show will actually begin, and having no way of knowing when. “Due date” is more like a day right in the middle of a 30 day span where it’s considered normal to have your baby. So much of our lives go by some sort of schedule, we sleep at night, wake up, eat meals according to some time frame, school, work, child care, even casual social encounters. But not labor and childbirth. That happens on its own timeline and doesn’t care about your dinner plans, or whether or not you’ve got help with the kids. So I guess you could say I’m a little nervous like I’m on the edge of my seat every day. There’s a lot of nervous energy towards the end of pregnancy, and I for one am feeling it.
I’m also extremely excited and happy. There’s nothing in my life that I’ve ever experienced that has even come close to the feeling of meeting my baby for the first time. I keep thinking about holding her in my arms and I picture her tiny features and visualize breathing in her sweet smell. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve burst into tears just thinking about how much I’m going to love her. My heart is so full of love for this sweet baby and I know it’s only about to grow.
I’m also feeling guilty. That so much of me is about to be poured into this new baby, so there won’t be nearly enough of me for the boys. My heart breaks a little bit every night when I put them to bed knowing the nights of just us, the way we’re all so accustomed to doing things, are running out. I find myself hugging, kissing, and cuddling them almost excessively these days. That’s the mom guilt, making me feel like I need to be more for them while more of me is still available. They are both so young, and still need me so much. I can only hope that they feel how much they are loved and this new baby won’t have them questioning that.
I’m also a little scared to tell you the truth. Three kids is a lot, damn even one kid is a lot, kids are a ton of work! I’m worried that this is gonna be really tough and that I won’t have the ability to handle it. I’m scared for that emotional, exhausting, postpartum period and that I won’t have the support I need to do it all. Whether you’re having your first baby or your fifth it’s a massive life change. It’s an entire human being coming into your life who you are solely responsible for for the next 2 decades and beyond. It can feel like a lot of pressure when you sit and think about it. Being a parent is not something to be taken lightly, that’s for sure.
But despite all of the emotions I’m feeling, despite the fear and guilt, I feel confident. Confident in my body, my baby, and our ability to do this. Confident that I don’t know all the answers but I will learn as I go. And confident that this is exactly what is meant to be for our family. A new baby is a big deal, I think it’s perfectly normal to feel anxious and scared about the journey. But I’m grateful this little girl chose me to be her mom and I can’t wait to see who she will be.
