When I was 6 months pregnant with my second son, Jax, my son Nash and I took a trip back to my home in Nova Scotia to visit my family and friends. I was at the point of pregnancy where it seemed I was getting rounder and more uncomfortable by the minute. I knew the clock was ticking on how much longer I’d be able to travel. So I packed my bags, wrangled my toddler, and started the half-day travel back to the east coast.
One thing I love about pregnancy is that generally, people are really kind to you. One part I don’t particularly love is that people often want to chit-chat and sometimes toss in their two cents on parenting. (Sorry, I’m an introvert to the core. This is why I write-less real interaction!) Point is the bump is a real conversation piece, whether you want it to be or not.
Partway through our travel, we had a layover so I took Nash for a stroll around the airport and grabbed some food. As we were waiting in line a sweet woman behind us started interacting with him, he’s a serious chick magnet. When I turned around, making it clear that I was pregnant, she asked me how far along I was.
“Six months,” I replied. To which she asked me if I was having a boy or girl.
“It’s another little boy,” I told her. She looked at me sympathetically and rather awkwardly I must say, as she searched for a response.
“Oh. Well…. That’s ok though.”
Fortunately for this well-intentioned woman, I was having a rather uneventful travel day. Which for a pregnant woman with a fear of flying (no alcohol or Ativan allowed) on a 9 hour trip with a 1 year old- Uneventful is a beautiful thing. My hormonal ass was in a good mood so her comment made me chuckle a little under my breath.
“Yup, it’s going to be great. My boys will have a buddy for life! Safe travels!”
That was the first time someone had extended pity on me for being a boy mom x2, but it wouldn’t be the last.
Now-I will be completely honest with you. The day we found out that baby number 2 was going to be another boy I felt disappointed- I already had a son. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t wondered what a daughter would be like. What my daughter would be like. Would she look like me? Act like me? Want to be like me?
I feel sort of embarrassed to type this, but I got a little mad at my husband. He was happy about the news, he was going to have 2 little boys. I was irrationally upset with him because (ugh, don’t judge me..) it’s the male in the situation who determines the sex of the baby. Once he realized what I was implying with this, his reaction was something along the lines of,
“You can’t be serious? You think I intentionally gave you another boy? Common now..”
I was being ridiculous, completely unreasonable, and a little insane. And I quickly realized that.
I don’t want to downplay anyone’s feelings around this. If you’ve experienced gender disappointment I am not calling you or your feelings ridiculous or unreasonable. Gender disappointment is real, I get that.
I don’t ever want to devalue someone’s feelings or imply they don’t have a right to them. I think making people feel ashamed for their innate emotional reaction to something is toxic. If something makes you feel sad, disappointed, or downright mad, you are entitled to that.
In my case, the disappointment I felt in the initial moment was brief. All of that curiosity about my hypothetical daughter quickly dispelled and was replaced by overwhelming attachment and wonder for my sweet son. Would he look like me, or be another clone of my husband? Would he act like me, look up to me, want to be like me? I realized that the sex of my child had absolutely no influence over our bond.
As my belly grew, all I could visualize and think of was my life with these two sweet little boys. This little band of brothers, best friends forever. How lucky was I to not only have this child in my arms but another one on the way?
So many women are currently holding onto hope that they’ll one day be a mother, not knowing if it will come. Crying tears of hope and desperation because they’d give anything to carry just one baby, gender never crossing their mind. How on earth could I feel sad or disappointed when I’ve been blessed to carry a child not once, but twice?
I’ve had countless people ask me if I’m going to try for a girl. The truth is, I don’t know if I’m going to have more children. I do know that if my husband and I decide to try for another, we’ll simply be attempting to make a baby, not a girl.
I love my sons on a level that can’t be put into words. Each time someone asks me if I want a daughter they’re (often unknowingly) asking me if I’m satisfied with my two children. Or, have these two beautiful boys left me feeling like there’s a void, like I’m still missing a piece of my family. It’s presumptuous, and let’s cut the shit here, it’s a stupid, outdated question.
Asking a boy mom if she’s going to try for a girl is not ok. Asking a girl mom when she’s going to have a boy is equally not ok (I know you multi-girl mamas get it too!). And while we’re here-Asking anyone if or when they are going to have children is NEVER ok. There are a plethora of reasons why. Infertility, mental health, finances, and it’s just plain ol not your business, are just a few of them.
So no, I’m not going to “try for a girl”. I don’t know what the future holds. But I do know that if I have been chosen to solely be a boy mama, I will be complete and my family will be whole.
